Internal Power: How I Lost Everything and Found Myself

Years ago I lost a friend who took his life as a result of a severe depression. I never thought I would tell this story, but that loss set off a chain of events that nearly destroyed me and then saved me. But before I get into all that, let me tell you what I mean by internal power, because it’s the thread that ties everything together.

True internal power is what you have when you’re connected to yourself and when your life is aligned with your purpose and what you value. It means being stable and unfazed when external invalidation comes at you from any direction: a boss, a client, a family member. It means listening to negative feedback without it wrecking your ego. It means knowing you’re loved even when someone is making you feel the opposite. It means freedom from addiction. It means presence, emotional regulation, and close connection to the people you love.

When you have it, you’re free. When you don’t, you’re trapped.

And I was trapped for a long time.

My experience with losing my friend highlighted my own depression. It scared me that depression had taken him, and as a result, I denied that I was suffering too. I buried my sadness.

That self-neglect was magnified twelve years later with the birth of my youngest son, Tyler, who was born with special needs. I was so sad for Tyler. I was devastated that I couldn’t help him. I was sad that my other three sons had to suffer because my wife and I had to give more time and energy to Tyler than to them. Just like with my depression, I ran from my problems.

I began to self-medicate to cover the pain of my situation at home. I became a full-time consumer of alcohol, porn, and Xanax. I became a major people pleaser and a workaholic. My career in tech began taking off. I was promoted to management.

I was doing all I could to hide my toxic patterns from my kids, parents, siblings, church congregation, and the people I worked with. I denied that I had any problems because I was consumed with shame and guilt. And because of that denial, I also denied that these patterns were having an impact on the people I loved.

It gets worse. My wife and I decided to give polyamory a try. After a short time, my wife became a semi-famous adult star and I got myself a girlfriend. One day things got sketchy when my girlfriend texted me to let me know that she had a final interview to be the assistant to a C-level at the tech company I worked for. My toxic patterns seemed to be catching up to me. My intuition told me to change. Instead, I ran again.

I decided to take a promotion across the country in Boston. My relationship with my wife was suffering and I had no power to change or fix myself to get her to love me again the way she did before all the chaos.

It all came to a head when my wife emerged from plastic surgery with memory loss. We were on the verge of destruction. I was confronted with the awareness of how I had gone from just trying to cover the pain of my sadness to the near-total destruction of my life and everything I cared about. I was at the edge of the cliff. I could run no more. I had to face myself and my problems.

I was ready to change, but I had given all of my power away to things that didn’t matter. “I don’t want any of this. I don’t want to produce adult videos. I don’t want a girlfriend. I don’t want drugs. I don’t want alcohol. I don’t even care about my career if it keeps me from being present in my life. I only want to be who my wife and kids need me to be,” I said to myself. I felt like George in It’s a Wonderful Life. Just like George, I got a second chance at my life to get it right. I began to approach life with love. 

Coming back fully to life, to myself, my wife, and my kids took a few years, but it has been the most rewarding and fulfilling experience of my life. I’m free of all that used to cover the pain, and in the process of seeing what was underneath it all, I found myself.

I went to individual, marriage, and family therapy. I left my career in tech to be home full time because that’s what my purpose was. My family and my family relationships are the most valuable things in my life and I aligned my life to that end. I’m ok with who I am now. I hide from no one and I am present at all times for the people that I love. I have given my depression the focus that it needed and I have healed what was wounded. 

I have spent the last five years trying to become aware of my patterns that aren’t aligned with what matters most to me and changing them. Not because of guilt or shame, but because of love. Love for my wife and kids, who now adore me, and love for myself. 

Krystal’s memories have mostly returned. We’re in love with each other. I never miss a Friday night date night. I never miss a chance to show up. I have a weekly scheduled hangout with each of my four sons.

With ABA therapy, Tyler made major improvements and he is fully functional as a 16-year-old in high school. Turns out he just needed his dad to be present.

When we give our power away to things and people that don’t matter, it takes power from the areas of life that do. And it takes away your ability to make corrections to bring balance back to the imbalanced areas of life when you finally realize that something is out of alignment.

There’s a John Mayer song called “Shadow Days” that opens with the idea that you can be completely wrong about something and swear you’re right and some people live that way their entire lives. That was me.

So how do you know if you have patterns that you’re subconsciously giving your power away to? You know from clues that come from the small things. The times where something that matters to you has had to take a back seat. I know…we can’t be perfect all the time, but the secret is to recognize when this is happening more often than it should. These patterns can show up as addictions, people pleasing, lack of focus, disorganization, lack of emotional regulation, and arguments with your significant other.

If you’re like me, you are unaware, fully, of how your subconscious patterns are affecting your daily life. That’s what makes them subconscious. We are unaware of them and their impact. But I promise you that you have received clues from your intuition about things that are out of balance. Like when you have to miss something with the family because of a work responsibility. Or when you get so busy that you don’t have time for yourself. Or when you see that the sparkle of admiration is missing from the eyes of your significant other. 

These are clues that you are giving your power away to patterns that aren’t aligned with what you value. Showing up in our lives for what we value takes energy. If you’re giving your power away, you won’t be able to “be there” for the things that matter when it matters.

Don’t wait until a subconscious pattern becomes conscious because you found out that your wife isn’t happy with you and is considering divorce, or that your child has a problem with drugs. Both of these happened to me, and both came about because of subconscious patterns that took root in my life without my knowledge. 

You can be happy. You can have fulfillment. You can get back to “good” with the people in your life. 

So, How Do You Turn It All Around?

Bring the subconscious into awareness.

You bring the subconscious into awareness by waking up to the truth about how aligned you really are with what matters, and then aligning yourself if you’re not. Becoming aware requires contemplation to discover your purpose and values, and then honest self-evaluation to discover how aligned you really are with what matters.

Take your power back.

After you become aware of how aligned your focus and your energy are with your purpose and your values, you need to create a plan and execute it. This is called “taking your power back.” It means putting energy into changing the patterns you are now aware of. Don’t take your plan to align your life with what matters to you lightly. Don’t wait until the sh*t hits the fan.

So here’s my pitch.

Husbands, dads: If you’ve lost your connection to your wife and kids, let me show you how to get back to them. If you’re unfulfilled with life and just going through the motions, or if you feel powerless because of addiction, let’s work together and help you find meaning in life.

Wives: You may have given up on your husband. Maybe he has not turned out to be the man that you had hoped he would be. Here’s something you probably already know: It’s possible that no one ever taught him how to be a man. That doesn’t excuse the damage or his lack of awareness, but understanding the gap is where change begins. If you can open your heart to helping him learn how to show up, I can help you.

Parents: breaking the chain of generational trauma is the act of showing up for your kids’ needs. That means healing yourself so that you can be who they need you to be. Being there for your kids will teach your kids what you may have never learned from your parents: that they are loved. They will know this because they will go into life with parents who showed up for them. And that matters because trauma has a way of creating chaos in relationships and life. Knowing that they are loved is how they will get through those hard times.

My Intro course on Masculinity covers all that I have talked about in this article: becoming aware of your patterns, creating a plan, and executing it.

See the course, The Ultimate Sh*t Test, below:

https://theultimatelovetest.com/downloads/intro-to-masculinity/